If you are reading this, it means I am in dire straits. Yamatai wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I’m cold and lonely. The rain is incessant and I am in constant fear for my life. I need a poncho. I need Neosporin. I am willing to give you priceless ancient relics, handcrafted bow parts, suggestive photos, anything.
Maybe I should have packed a raincoat; I can’t help that I prefer tank tops. Maybe I should have sought medical treatment for the rusted rebar sticking out of my side, but this island is lacking in amenities. Neosporin will cure the sepsis and tetanus that I definitely have, should clean my bullet wounds and animal bites right up too. Now is not the time for, “I told you so,” my recently deceased friends laughed at my preparation for our trip too, but who’s laughing now? Not me actually, since lockjaw is setting in and most movement hurts my bullet holes. Please send aid as soon as possible--I will get hypothermia without a poncho. The priceless relics I will give you might even have supernatural properties; you could become a rich god (or a vessel for a demon, not sure which) by helping out a slightly unprepared archaeologist.
PS: Send Hot Pockets.
PS: Send Hot Pockets.