In what fans are calling, “about damn time,” Nintendo names Steven Seagal the newest addition to the Super Smash Brothers’ family. Seagal won the honor at a Manhattan charity ball, the proceeds of which went toward the humanitarian relief organization, Actors Without Awards, of which Steven is a lifetime member.
The winning bid was three million dollars and the star’s red hot branding iron that reads “Property of Steven Seagal,” which Steven famously pressed into every defeated stunt man once the cameras stopped rolling. In an exclusive interview with Nintendo President, Tatsumi Kimishima, The Debuff obtained Steven Seagal’s proposed move-list, presented below.
A
Flails arms, emitting punching sounds regardless of enemy location.
↑, A
High kick at enemy neck. Will miss any opponent taller or shorter than Steven.
↓, A
Crotch punch.
→, A
Standing push kick.
↑+A
Off-screen wire crew hauls Steven into the air while his fist is in an uppercut position.
↓+A
Steven gestures downward, implying where his opponents are going.
→+A
Aikido karate chop.
→→+A
Dive tackles, dealing bonus damage for every window and coffee table destroyed in the process.
©, ↓+A
Bows, dealing emotional damage to characters of Asian descent
©, ↑+A
Stunt double performs a flying split kick.
©, ←+A
Steven uses his opponent’s momentum against them.
©, →+A
Beaded ponytail lash.
B
Steven narrows his eyes, increasing his power.
↑+B
Steven hops into a helicopter that crashes in a random direction, dealing area damage.
↓+B
Changes from standing to kneeling stance. In kneeling stance, crotch punches deal double damage.
→+B
Throws a vinyl copy of Mojo Priest in the target direction.
A
Flails arms, emitting punching sounds regardless of enemy location.
↑, A
High kick at enemy neck. Will miss any opponent taller or shorter than Steven.
↓, A
Crotch punch.
→, A
Standing push kick.
↑+A
Off-screen wire crew hauls Steven into the air while his fist is in an uppercut position.
↓+A
Steven gestures downward, implying where his opponents are going.
→+A
Aikido karate chop.
→→+A
Dive tackles, dealing bonus damage for every window and coffee table destroyed in the process.
©, ↓+A
Bows, dealing emotional damage to characters of Asian descent
©, ↑+A
Stunt double performs a flying split kick.
©, ←+A
Steven uses his opponent’s momentum against them.
©, →+A
Beaded ponytail lash.
B
Steven narrows his eyes, increasing his power.
↑+B
Steven hops into a helicopter that crashes in a random direction, dealing area damage.
↓+B
Changes from standing to kneeling stance. In kneeling stance, crotch punches deal double damage.
→+B
Throws a vinyl copy of Mojo Priest in the target direction.