<![CDATA[THE DEBUFF - Classifieds]]>

<![CDATA[THE DEBUFF - Classifieds]]>Sat, 18 Mar 2023 04:53:31 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[WANTED: More Drawings for My Collection]]>Fri, 27 Jul 2018 16:58:53 GMThttps://www.thedebuff.com/classifieds/wanted-more-drawings-for-my-collection

Art and Words by xX_UndyingShad0w99_Xx

Calling all artists! The archive of Shadow the Hedgehog and Zero erotica needs your help!

Contrary to popular belief, this collection is officially recognized by the National Gallery of Art, and is not simply a folder on my computer with the clandestine name “vacation photos.” No longer should this art be available only to the upper echelon of society. The Collective unconscious has been pining for Shadow erotica since the 2005 release Shadow the Hedgehog-- the first Sonic Team game to take full advantage of the ESRB’s E-10+ rating (and we’re still thanking them for that.) And Zero, that sly dog, has been begging us to draw him in suggestive poses since his unbearably sexy rendering in Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3. No longer should Zero artists hide in the shadows. My hands are getting a bit too sweaty as I’m typing this, so I’ll keep it short. Send me your erotic drawings of Shadow and Zero.
Sincerely,
xX_UndyingShad0w99_Xx

]]><![CDATA[Amazing Investment Opportunity!]]>Fri, 29 Jun 2018 14:43:15 GMThttps://www.thedebuff.com/classifieds/amazing-investment-opportunity

Words by Jacob

Do NOT miss out on this fantastic investment opportunity! Have you wanted to sail the high seas? Hunt for treasure at the bottom of the ocean? Spend a weekend relaxing on the water? Well now you can!

This 25 foot cutter has a state of the art polyethylene hull that has only suffered MINOR proximity mine damage! You’ll rest easy knowing your future vessel can take a beating from military-grade, high temperature corrosive gas in addition to withstand the gentle caress of the ocean’s waves. Concerned that large sails might block your scenic view? Worry not! This boat’s sails are riddled with viewing ports* so your view is NEVER obscured! Tired of the same boring sailboat colors? Then this boat’s beautiful black charred finish** is just for you! Not convinced a sailboat is a fantastic investment opportunity? Think again. Underwater treasure. Robbery in international waters. Mending your broken relationship with your son with a project you can work on together. The list goes on. Act now before someone smarter than you seizes another opportunity right out from under your nose. Call now! Our number is 555-SAILS.

*Damage from grappling hook
**It’s really charred

]]><![CDATA[For Rent: 40 Sq Ft, No Bedroom, All Bathroom Apartment In Scenic Blighttown]]>Tue, 05 Jun 2018 15:33:26 GMThttps://www.thedebuff.com/classifieds/for-rent-40-sq-ft-no-bedroom-all-bathroom-apartment-in-scenic-blighttown

Art by Jacob, Words by Hunter

Vacated just twenty minutes ago when the previous tenant let his guard down, this bespoke wooden shanty hut features all the comforts of modern living you expect and a dozen extras you couldn’t possibly. Walk, run, or barrel roll through the front door and feast your eyes on the back door. Neighbors suggest you keep both shut on account of the “giant fucking mosquitoes” that fancy popping by.

Once inside, enjoy the previous owner’s collection of standing clay pots. Some of the pots will even contain dung pies you’ll want to burn for light and warmth now that the sun is no longer in play. Not a home body? Blighttown’s perpetual night life has just the thing to keep your adrenaline flowing: boulder dodging, ogre-hunting, and the townies’ favorite pastime: Guess-Which-Floorboard, the popular game show in which contestants guess which floorboard will give under their weight, leading to a biblical 500 story fall and magical quest to find your home again. When it’s time for bed, which is anyone’s guess underground, rest your weary bones on the elegant pine floorboards that show only minor signs of a struggle. Knocking on the walls upstairs, is that Santa Claus? Close, it’s the shadow monsters. They can see you when you’re sleeping, so best to burn dung pies until they lose interest, which local dirt shamans assure us has never happened. Located just 3000 miles West of your worst nightmare, this one-of-a-kind studio space is available for only three and a half souls per month. Act now because this offer, like you and the hut itself, won't last long.

]]><![CDATA[Wanted: A Poncho and Some Neosporin]]>Tue, 05 Jun 2018 14:54:58 GMThttps://www.thedebuff.com/classifieds/wanted-a-poncho-and-some-neosporin

Art and Words by Jacob

If you are reading this, it means I am in dire straits. Yamatai wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I’m cold and lonely. The rain is incessant and I am in constant fear for my life. I need a poncho. I need Neosporin. I am willing to give you priceless ancient relics, handcrafted bow parts, suggestive photos, anything.

Maybe I should have packed a raincoat; I can’t help that I prefer tank tops. Maybe I should have sought medical treatment for the rusted rebar sticking out of my side, but this island is lacking in amenities. Neosporin will cure the sepsis and tetanus that I definitely have, should clean my bullet wounds and animal bites right up too. Now is not the time for, “I told you so,” my recently deceased friends laughed at my preparation for our trip too, but who’s laughing now? Not me actually, since lockjaw is setting in and most movement hurts my bullet holes. Please send aid as soon as possible--I will get hypothermia without a poncho. The priceless relics I will give you might even have supernatural properties; you could become a rich god (or a vessel for a demon, not sure which) by helping out a slightly unprepared archaeologist.

PS: Send Hot Pockets.

]]><![CDATA[New york Times' Best Seller: Parachute, Stopping a Life in Freefall by Dr. Ron Biegel]]>Tue, 05 Jun 2018 14:10:11 GMThttps://www.thedebuff.com/classifieds/new-york-times-best-seller-parachute-stopping-a-life-in-freefall-by-dr-ron-biegel

Art by Jacob, Words by Hunter

Do you spend “too much time” playing video games? Live in the shadow of a successful spouse? Is your past a fiery highway of failed endeavors paved with the fragments of broken dreams? If yes to any of the above, then you need Dr. Ron Biegel’s newest book, Parachute, The Gamer’s Guide to Stopping a Life in Freefall.

In it, Dr. Biegel teaches you how to manage the finite resources of time, money, and fucks you give about leading a conventional life. The New York Times raves, “With laser precision, Dr. Biegel forecasts the scenarios every disillusioned millenial is sure to encounter, from attempting to sell artwork in coffee shops to crowdsourcing a reliable income for non-essential work.” Call in the next 72 hours and receive bonus audio tracks containing interactive exercises to empower your conversations with in-laws: “I quit my job, but am starting my own business,” “It actually has nothing to do with my degree,” and “No, you’re crying,” are just some of the many phrases you’ll deploy to command the respect that’s eluded you your entire life. Should the literature fail, every copy of Dr. Biegel’s book comes with a prop parachute to make whatever happens next look like an accident. Order now.

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